Insert Foot in Mouth!

Rather than wasting energy and electricity forwarding the nice and funny emails I get from my friends and contacts, I just thought I’d compile all of them here. Feel free to copy; I don’t own any copyright of these, nor am I the author of these. Enjoy!

THE INSPIRATIONAL

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…

-one old love she can imagine going back to, and one who reminds her how far she has come.

-enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own even if she never wants to or needs to.

-something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour.

-a youth she’s content to leave behind.

-a past juicy enough that she’s looking forward to retelling it in her old age.

-a set of screwdrivers, cordless drill, and a black lace bra…

-one friend who always makes her laugh and one who lets her cry.

-a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family.

-eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored.

-a feeling of control over her destiny.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…

-how to fall in love without losing herself.

-how to quit a job, break up with a lover, confront a friend without ruining the friendship, and how to change a tire!

-when to try harder, and when to walk away.

-that she can’t change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents.

-that her childhood may not have been perfect, but it’s over.

-what she would and wouldn’t do for love or more.

-how to live alone, even if she doesn’t like it.

-whom she can trust, whom she can’t, and why she shouldn’t take it personally.

-where to go, be it to her best friend’s kitchen table or a charming inn in the woods, when her soul needs soothing.

-what she can and can’t accomplish in a day, a month, and a year.
WHAT DOES LOVE MEAN?

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8-year-olds, “What does love mean?”

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

“When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.”

Rebecca- age 8

“When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.”

Billy – age 4

“Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.”

Karl – age 5

“Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.”

Chrissy – age 6

“Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.”

Terri – age 4

“Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.”

Danny – age 7

“Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss”

Emily – age 8

“Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.”

Bobby – age 7 (Wow!)

“If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,”

Nikka – age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka’s on this planet)

“Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.”

Noelle – age 7

“Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.”

Tommy – age 6

“During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore.”

Cindy – age 8

“My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.”

Clare – age 6

“Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.”

Elaine-age 5

“Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.”

Chris – age 7

“Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.”

Mary Ann – age 4

“I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.”

Lauren – age 4

“When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.” (what an image)

Karen – age 7

“Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn’t think it’s gross.”

Mark – age 6

“You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.”

Jessica – age 8

And the final one — Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge.

The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.

Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman’s yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.

When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, “Nothing, I just helped him cry.”

********

INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE (Galing kay Dalai Lama daw)

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.
3. Follow the 3 R’s: respect for self, respect for others and responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great relationship.
7. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

*******

MEMO FROM GOD
To: YOU
Date: TODAY
From: THE BOSS
Subject: YOURSELF
Reference: LIFE

I am God. Today I will be handling all of your problems. Please remember that I do not need your help.

If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do not attempt to resolve it. Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box. All situations will be resolved, but in My time, not yours.

Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it by worrying about it. Instead, focus on all the wonderful things that are present in your life now.

If you find yourself stuck in traffic; Don’t despair. There are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.

Should you have a bad day at work; Think of the man who has been out of work for years.

Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; Think of the person who has never known what it’s like to love and be loved in return.

Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; Think of the woman in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed her children.

Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance; Think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.

Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror; Think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.

Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking what is my purpose? Be thankful. There are those who didn’t live long enough to get the opportunity.

Should you find yourself the victim of other people’s bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities; Remember, things could be worse. You could be one of them!

Should you decide to send this to a friend; Thank you, you may have touched their life in ways you will never know.

******

*REASONS WHY WOMEN FIND IT HARD TO FIND THE MAN OF THEIR DREAMS:
1.The nice men are ugly.
2.The handsome men are not nice.
3.The handsome and nice men are gay.
4.The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
5.The men who are not so handsome , but are nice men, have no money
6.The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.
7. The handsome men without money are after our money.
8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don ‘t think we are beautiful enough.
9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.
10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!
11. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.

NOW, WHO THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN?

“Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it’s our job, to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you’d like to have dinner with.”

SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!

*****

What Ees De Meening op Love?

Nakakatawa talaga ang love. Isa siyang napakalaking oxymoron. Lahat ng pwede mong masabi sa kanya, baliktarin mo at totoo pa rin. Ang labo diba?

Pero ang linaw.

Masaya magmahal. Malungkot magmahal. Di mo naiintindihan pero naiintindihan mo. Walang rason. Maraming rason. Di mo na kaya, pero kaya mo pa rin. Masakit magmahal. Pero okey lang.

Leche, ano ba talaga?!

May kaibigan ako, sabi niya dati “Love is only for stupid people.”

Nakakatawa kasi cum laude ang standing niya, pero dumating ang panahon,na-in-love din ang hunghang. At ayun, tanga na siya ngayon.

Lahat kasi ng nahahawakan ng love nagiging oxymoron din. O kaya paminsan, nagiging moron lang.

Hindi lang kasi basta baliktaran ang pag-ibig. Lahat ng bagay nababaligtad din niya. Lahat ng malalakas na tao, humihina. Ang mayayabang, nagpapakumbaba. Ang mga walang pakialam, nagiging Mother Teresa.

Ang mga henyo, nauubusan ng sagot. Ang malulungkot, sumasaya. Ang matitigas, lumalambot. (At tumitigas din ang mga bagay na madalas nama’y malambot.)

Nakakatawa talaga. Lalo na kapag dumadating siya sa mga taong ayaw na talaga magmahal. Napansin ko nga eh. Parang kung gusto mo lang ma-in-love ulit, sabihin mo lang ang magic words na “Ayoko na ma-inlove!” biglang WACHA! Ayan na siya. Nang-aasar. Magpapaasar ka naman.

Di ba nakakatawa rin na pagdating sa problema ng ibang tao, ang galing-galing mo? Pero ‘pag problema mo na yung pinag-uusapan parang nawawalan ng saysay lahat ng ipinayo mo dun sa namomroblemang tao?

Naiisip mong wala namang mali dun sa mga sinabi mo. Pero bakit parang wala ring tama?

Bali-baliktad din ang nasasabi ng mga taong tinamaan ng madugong pana ng pag-ibig. “Ngayon ko lang nalaman ganito pala. Sabi ko na eh!” “Ang sarap mabuhay. Pwede na ‘ko mamatay. Now na!”

At hindi lang ‘yon. Ang sarap din pagtawanan ng mga taong alam naman nilang masasaktan lang sila eh magpapatihulog pa rin sa bangin ng pag-ibig. Tapos ‘pag luray-luray na yung puso nila, siyempre hindi sila yung may kasalanan. Siya! “Bakit niya ‘ko sinaktan?” May kasama pang pagsuntok sa pader yon, at pagbabagsak ng pinto.

Hayop talaga.

Mauubos ang buong magdamag ko kakasabi ng mga bagay na nakakatawa ‘pag pag-ibig na ang pinag-usapan. Ilang beses ko na ring napatunayan na tanga talaga ako pagdating sa larangang ito. Marami akong nasasabi, pero parang hanggang ngayon, wala pa rin akong alam.

Pero ang pinakanakakatawa sa lahat ay ang katotohanang kapag gusto magpatawa ng pag-ibig, ipusta na mo na lahat ng ari-arian mo dahil siguradong ikaw ang punchline.

Nakakatawa no?

Nakakaiyak.

*****

The Jokes

IF NOAH WAS FILIPINO…

It is the year 2006 and Noah lives in the PHILIPPINES.

The Lord speaks to Noah and says:

“In one year I am going to make it rain and cover the whole Earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth.

Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark.”

In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.

“Remember,” said the Lord, “You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year.”

Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping.

“Noah!” He shouted, “Where is the Ark?”

“Lord please forgive me!” cried Noah. “I did my best but there were big problems.”

“First, I had to get a Mayor’s permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire their “engineering firm” and “redraw” the plans.

Then I got into a fight with Municipal Fire Safety Inspector over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and extinguishers.

Then my neighbours objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a permit from the municipal planning office. The Municipal Planning office told me to get a barangay clearance. But when I went to the Barangay Captain, he said I should first get a permit from the municipal planning office. I got confused.

I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Monkey-Eating Eagle. I finally convinced the DENR that I needed the wood to save the eagles. However, the DENR won’t let me catch any eagles. So, no eagles.

The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the KMU. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no eagles.

When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.

Just when I got the suit dismissed, the DENR again notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact assessment on your proposed flood. They didn’t take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.

Then the DPWH demanded a map of the proposed new flood plan. I sent them a globe.

Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the DOLE that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!

The BIR has seized all my assets, claiming that I’m building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the BIR that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a recreational watercraft.

The NBI and ISAFP each wanted a piece of the action alleging that the Ark would be used by Garcillano to escape. The PNP on the other hand insists that Mr. Arroyo might use the Ark to flee to the USA.

Malacañang sees the opportunity to use the Ark for GMA’s Strong Republic Nautical Highway presidential campaign sorties.

Upon hearing my building the Ark, Congress did what they always do-formed a fact-finding committee. I’m not worried about that though because they’ve never had anything done anyway.

Finally the Senate got the courts to issue a TRO against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional.”

“I really don’t think I can finish the Ark for another 10 or 16 years!” Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully.

“You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?”

“No,” said the Lord sadly. “The government is already doing that.”

******

THE SHADOW CABINET

ECONOMIC TEAM – Susan’s thrust will be to achieve an ECONOMIC MIRACLE that the country missed in the 80’s and 90’s. Nobody is better equipped in making this MIRACLE happen than Nora Aunor (Himala). As NEDA Secretary, Sec. Aunor will not draw water from brooks of Kupang (Place of Himala), but would make miracles happen by encouraging people to believe in themselves. According to the future NEDA chief, “Tayo ang gumagawa ng Himala.” She will be assisted by Undersecretary Madame Auring to guide the government in taking the miraculous path.

Sec. Aunor will be supported by Sec. Pepe Pimentel (Finance) and Sec. Roderick Paulate (Budget and Management). As Finance chief, Sec. Pimentel is well aware of where the “Kwarta” is. And no matter how small revenue collection will be, the public purse will be efficiently handled and kept by Budget Secretary Paulate in his “Bayong” with Undersecretary Amy Perez.

Finally, the Team is completed by Trade and Industry by the tandem of Sec. Mura and Undersecretary Mahal to make sure that the basic commodities are priced right, neither expensive (Mahal) nor cheap (Mura).

SERVICES TEAM – True to her populist color, Susan will give more to those who have less in life. Being allied with the GMA administration, MMDA Chair Bayani Fernando will be replaced by another Bayani, new MMDA Chair Bayani Agbayani. As such he will scrap the Odd-Even scheme and implement a simpler “Ocho-Ocho” traffic program, i.e., no cars in EDSA from 8am to 8pm.

Agriculture Department will be headed by Sec. Vilma Santos to ensure that food supply will be bountiful in all seasons in all regions.

Housing, being the cornerstone of the Susan Roces administration, will be given to an equally regal and competent person, HLURB Secretary Dolphy. As such, he will ensure that the masses get their deserved homes either along the riles (railroads) or airports. The middle class on the other hand will be helped by Undersecretary Nova Villa.

The National Youth Commission will be headed by German Moreno so that he can help develop the talents of the millions of Filipino Youth. He will be assisted by Commissioners-at-Large Jojo Veloso and Alfie Lorenzo.

Social Welfare portfolio will be given to no less than Sec. Willie Revillame. He will leave his show to prepare for government service. To fund the welfare programs, the young Lucky Manzano will be appointed to the PCSO and PAGCOR.

Finally, the Department of Health will be headed by Dra. Vicky Belo. The projects in line are as follows: Oplan Alis Skin Disease, Tangal taba, and Libreng Lipo sa Masa.

RESOURCES TEAM – Susan Roces’ policy is the full development of our resources for the benefit of the people.

Department of Energy will be headed by Sec. Gary Valenciano. No more PPA, just pure energy.

The Environment portfolio will be given to Sec. Chin-Chin Gutierrez and supported by Bureau of Forestry Director Rico J. Puno, Mines and Geosciences Directress Gretchen Barreto, and Undersecretary Jimmy Bondoc.

DEFENSE AND LAW AND ORDER TEAM – Considering the lack of respect the citizens have for the law of the law, Susan will implement the policy of law without fear or favor.

The Defense Department will be given to Sec. Annabel Rama who is feared by the devil himself. If she can handle Ernie Maceda, why not the generals of the AFP. If she can defend Ruffa’s integrity despite all her shenanigans, what more the integrity of the national territory.

The Department of Interior will be headed by another fighter, Sec. Mystica who is well aware of the workings of the police after figuring in weekly brawls ever since she entered showbiz. She will be assisted by PNP Chief Paquito Diaz, an expert on mobs and thugs.

FOREIGN AFFAIRS TEAM – Susan will continue the current government’s constructive engagement. Among the members of the nation’s new foreign service are the following Ambassadors:

Africa Union – Susan Africa
Austria – Amy Austria
Brunei Darusalam – Cristina Gonzalez
Colombia – Ace Vergel
Germany – Baron Geisler
Israel – Dick Israel
Jordan – Jordan Herrera
Spain – Gerald Madrid
Romania – David Bunevacz
Russian Federation – Nanette Medved
Turkey – Ruffa Gutierrez-Bektas
United Kingdom – Princess Punzalan
United States – Angelica Jones

The Department of Foreign Affairs will be headed by Sec. Melanie Marquez (Miss International) who is very experienced in “international” relationships.

OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENT – Lastly, to manage all the department secretaries–a function of the Executive Secretary, no less than Exec. Sec. Lily Monteverde will “manage” all of them to make sure that they work in line with government policies. If Mother Lily can manage the whole Regal Family (plus Regal Babies), what more the nation’s Official Family. She will be assisted by Presidential Management Staff Sec. Lolit Solis, another “talent” manager. To complete the roster of palace officials, the residential Spokesperson’s job will be given not to Boy Abunda nor Cristy Fermin as other have speculated, but to the reliable Sec. Rey Pumaloy (Aminin!) to ensure that the government will not hide anything from the public.

Kay SUSAN tayo!